Weekly Prostate Exams FTH (For the health)

I read a very disturbing statistic from wherethefishlives' pulse.

"According to WebMD, 80 percent of men who reach age 80 have prostate cancer. WTF? I didn't know it was that high."

I just had a health screening at my work last week, and according to the nurse I'm in "perfect health." All my cholesterol levels, blood pressure, etc. are at perfect levels. That means that there's a great chance that I will live pass 80. Shit, I don't want prostate cancer, or any cancer for that matter. But if I had a choice of what cancer to get, I definitely wouldn't want it to be in my prostate of all places.

To prevent myself from getting prostate cancer, I'll going to start getting weekly prostate exams. Yes, you heard right, weekly. As much as I hate HATE having a finger probing around up my ass, I'm willing to sacrifice my level of discomfort to be prostate cancer free. In fact, I think I should start a club, kinda like a book club, but for prostate cancer. A bunch of guys getting together to hang out, eat, and give each other prostate exams. Don't worry, I'll make sure we eat before the exams start. We don't want no butterfingers up in this club.

Will you join my prostate cancer movement? RSVP today!

Speaking of ass, I wish I could do this. I posted this on Facebook and ibizajb said "I bet you can do this...with a desktop." He's so mean to me. =(

I'm Not Dead

It's been a minute since I've blogged. Typing an entry feels so strange now. Xanga is starting to become like a long lost friend, so familiar yet distant at the same time. I guess there's only so many entries I can write about masturbating, pooping and gay p0rn. But no matter what, whether I update much anymore or not, I know for a fact that I would never quit Xanga. It's been a part of my life for too long. I've met too many cool people on here.

From now on, I'll mostly just be posting photos, photos from the past 2 years that I have yet to post. I know, I know. I've said on several occasions that I would post them but still haven't. But this time, I'm really a changed man. I just got back from my Seattle / Vancouver trip 3 days ago and ALL THE PICS ARE EDITED AND POSTED! WOW! This is a huge accomplishment for me. I posted them on Facebook, but not on Xanga yet. I will soon, probably tomorrow. Don't worry, I'll try to throw in a poop entry in between all the photos.

Punishable by Death

I was enjoying myself the other night, masturbating to some good ol' American gay porn, when I see a moving shadow from the corner of my eye. I look to my left and see a giant daddy long leg crawling across my wall. I'm not afraid of spiders, nor do I hate them, but I don't like the idea of one living in my bedroom. At first, I was just going to ignore him, but then I got creeped out because he was totally staring at my cock. That perv! His eight beady eyes glued on my chinese sausage. Besides, he who interrupts me during my precious alone time, does not deserve to live. So I took a little break from my hand exercise to dispose of the intruder.

I already had some toilet paper prepared (for my splooge). As I inched closer and closer to him, he went behind my computer and hid under some wires. "You can run, but you can't hide!", I thought to myself. Well, apparently, I was wrong. He can hide, and very well I may add. I spent the next 10 minutes looking for him and could not find him. I was still naked with a humongous boner, down on all fours looking for a damn spider.

I decided to dim the lights, to trick him into thinking it's safe to come out. While I waited for him, I decided to resume my previous activity. No use waiting and wasting time doing nothing. A minute turns into five, then fifteen, and still no sign of the spider. Where the fuck did he go? Did he teleport out of my room? At this point, I didn't even care about busting a nut anymore, I was more set on finding him and killing him for ruining my night.

Just when I was about to give up and go to bed, he crawls out from god knows where and I see him on the wall. I grabbed the toilet paper and killed him with the quickness. AH HA! Who knew you could get more pleasure from killing a spider than having an orgasm?

When an Earthquake Hits...

...go under a desk or stand under a door frame. NOT! That is so 2008. Now, the first thing to do after an earthquake, or any emergency for that matter, is to update your Facebook/Twitter. Last night, there was a 4.7 earthquake here in Southern California and instantly, my Facebook/Twitter was flooded with "AHHH!! EARTHQUAKE!", "OMG EARTHQUAKE!", or some variant of it.

It's crazy how attached we are to social networking. Speaking as a supporter and proponent of the Web 2.0 movement, I don't know why I'm so addicted. I've always been interested in reading people's statues. Even before FB/Twitter, I would always check the away messages and profiles of my AIM buddies. Maybe I'm just that nosey? Or maybe I'm just that bored all the time? Who knows. I know I'm not the only one, seeing how popular social networking is nowadays. You can really gauge how widespread a technology is people in their late 50's (like my dad), who is not very tech savvy, has a FB.

Some people say this overuse of technology and social networking has caused people to be less social and impersonal. I strongly disagree. They are nothing more but another tool for us to socialize. There will always be newer technologies coming out that facilitates and revolutionizes the way we interact and socialize...from the telegraph, to snail mail, to the cell phone, to social networking, it'll never stop. And frankly, I'm more than excited to see what the next thing is.

P.S. I'm disappointed in myself for not being the first person to update about the earthquake on my FB/Twitter list. Three people beat me to it. I must be quicker next time.

P.S.S. I'm not a loser that's on FB/Twitter 24/7 waiting for a earthquake to hit so I can update about it. I just happened to be on my computer and on FB when the earthquake hit. What are the odds!?

Vienna Sausage Part II

Here's some juicy xangay gossip. Which popular male xangan has a vienna sausage?

Hint: I won't be scandalous and reveal his identity but here's a little hint. His name starts with a Y, theres a S in the middle, and ends with an O. He also dislikes people of the fat variety.

This is not a rumor. It is a fact. I have photographic evidence which I've managed to obtain by hacking into his Blackberry. Don't worry, this is very safe for work. It's so small, you can't really see it.

P.S. If theologianscafe can write a 20 part entry about a slug, I too, can do the same with vienna sausages.

Vienna Sausage

I absolutely LOVE hearing funny sex stories. I've written a few stories in the past before, but I got a new one for you guys.

One of my friends had a booty call with this guy we've dubbed VS (vienna sausage). He told her that a previous girl called his penis a vienna sausage because it was small. Yes, yes, I know. Why would she have a booty call with someone who told her that he has a small penis? Hey, sometimes when you're that sexually frustrated, you'll settle for any type of weiner. We've all been there.

After a few drinks, the clothes started coming off. They start boning and during mid-boning, VS, like the casanova that he is, whispers into her ear "So...Do I have a vienna sausage?" HAHAHA! Wow, VS is quite a character. Who asks their partner during mid-sex if they have a small penis? What a smooth operator. I think having a small penis is the least of his worries. My friend tried really hard not to laugh, maintained her composure and replied "No." She didn't want to ruin the mood any more, since he did have a vienna sausage and she couldn't even feel if it was in already. She actually thinks that the previous girl was wrong, and that it was more like a cocktail weiner.

Guys...do not ask a girl if she thinks you have a small penis. You already know if you have a small penis or not, you don't need to ask. And if you must ask, please refrain from asking during the middle of having sex.

I Adopted a Chinese Kid

Wow, I can't believe I haven't updated for a month. Time just flies by when nothing exciting is going on in your life. In this past month, there are only two things worth mentioning.

I adopted a daughter last week. I really didn't plan it, it was purely an impulsive decision. I was printing out some documents at work, when I noticed there was a photo of a cute little girl sitting on the tray. I grabbed my stuff (that sounds naughty hehe), and went back to work. At the end of the day, I went to check on her, and she was still there, sitting all by her lonesome. Someone at work printed her out, abandoned her and never picked her up. What a cruel cruel world we live in. I decided to follow in the steps of such divas like Angelina and Madonna, and adopt an international kid. Now's she hanging happily in my cubicle, and I'm a proud father. Some people even say we look alike. And by some people, I mean white people.

The second thing worth mentioning is...I got a number through Youtube. I get lots of random guys hitting on me on Youtube. Unfortunately they're either old, white, fat or some combo of the three. They usually don't leave their number though, but someone did. And apparently, he's not fat or old (so his brother says). Hmmmm....to call or not to call? I just hope his brother is not a fob.

NDM Sex Tape

What's better than a Celebrity Sex Tape? A Xanga Celebrity Sex Tape!

I've had this video in my possession for awhile (from a highly secret source), but I didn't want to post it because it's too scandalous. However, NDM did something that angered me greatly last week, and I have no choice but to post it.

Last week, right before the Korea VS Japan WBC finals, he pulsed:

"If Korea loses tonight, I am going to post a nude photo of myself. This is how much I believe in my team. Goooooo Korea!!!!"

As we all know (from all the FB statuses, xanga, & twitter ), Korea lost. Yes, very sad. But I was not, because I looked forward to seeing NDM's nude photo. I was so excited I couldn't sleep all night, or maybe I was up all night masturbating. I don't really remember, it was one or the other. I even pulsed and commented on his FB just to remind him. You know, in case he accidentally forgot or something. When he finally posted, he posted a picture of a naked baby with the crotch blurred out. How gay is that? I don't even think that's his baby pic. He probably just googled "naked baby."

I've would've been less angry if he actually made the effort and photoshopped something like this.

But alas, he did not. How can a man break a promise? Promises are the only thing pure we have left in this cold, violent world. I will not stand by and let him ruin the sanctity of promises. He must be punished and taught a lesson. And I will do so by posting his sex tape.

To prepare you guys for the main course, I'll post some screen caps first. You didn't hear this from me, but the girl in the sex tape is a pretty popular xangan. Any guesses as to who it is?

Continue reading →

Work Restroom Horror Story

This JUST happened. I'm scarred for life.

I had just gotten back from eating a big lunch not too long ago when I felt a super strong urge to poop. I HATE pooping at work, and will avoid it at all costs. But today, I couldn't hold it for another 4 hours. I had to poop now, or risk soiling myself. I did a little prayer before I headed to the bathroom, hoping that by some one in a million chance, I would have the restroom all to myself. I can poop with the quickness, so I just needed 30 seconds or so and I would be done.

When I got in, there was a guy peeing in the urinal so I surreptitiously went into the first stall I saw before he had a chance to see my identity. I was so quick and quiet, I bet he didn't even know anyone entered a stall. Well, that was until I accidentally slammed the stall door. Oops. A man that has a desperate urge to poop can sometimes be clumsy. I was going to wait until the peeing co-worker left, so I would have the restroom all to my lonesome before I engaged myself in poop mode, but then I realized something...something I once had a nightmare about...something I dreaded more than watching an explicit sex scene with my parents. We have three stalls, and I was sandwiched in between two people pooping. THIS IS THE WORSE CASE SCENARIO. Well, next to pooping in between two people and realizing you're out of toilet paper. When the peeing coworker left, there was dead silence. You could hear an ant fart. Shit, what am I going to do now? I can't poop in dead silence in between two guys who are within 2 feet of me!

Luckily, after a minute of super awkward silence (a minute that felt like decades), another person entered the restroom to pee. I decided that the only way out of this situation was to be like gmail and sync my pooping with the sound of his flush. I prepared myself to push as soon as I heard the sound of his pee stream go from a roar to a faint trickle. The second the flush started, I unleashed my shitomic bomb. Mission impossible accomplished. It felt so good. I felt like Michael Phelps, after winning the 8th Gold Medal. I waited till he left, then quickly washed my hands and left. One of the written rules of bathroom conduct is "Do not make eye contact with people that you've pooped with." That would just increase the awkwardness exponentially.

I'm never ever pooping in the work restroom again. I don't care if soil myself. It's much better than the super awkward moment I just endured.

Wall Street Fighter 4

Times are tough, the economy is in shambles. What a better way to cash in on our dilemma than to make a video game? I know you NY xangans will especially enjoy this vid.

Financial crisis! Foreclosure!

QOTD: If you watch a lot of porn, do you automatically get better at sex?