happy pimple day

asians age awesomely well

i got an email the other day from match.com informing me that someone had winked at me. i opened up the email, all sexcited and hoping that it's a hot korean guy or wentworth miller (prison break hottie). what sounds more manlier: wuwu miller or wentworth wu? wentworth wu ftw! besides, i'm the pitcher, it's only right that he inherits my fake last name.

when i saw the thumbnail in the email, my heart (and penis) sank fifty times lower than the titanic into the abyss of disappointment and flaccidity.

are you fucking kidding me? why is this grandpa winking at me? that's just plain nasty with a bag of vomit on top. does he really think that he has any chance whatsoever with a hot, strapping, oriental stud such as myself? does it say "looking for a grandpa to satisfy my white pubes, sagging nuts & diaper fetish" on my profile? wait, is he rich? let me look at his profile. it wouldn't be so repulsive if he's rich. blah, not rich, ewwww, grosssss. i'm so kidding by the way. according to his profile, he's only 35. well, ok, maybe he's not a grandpa, but he sure looks like one. shoot, my grandpa (r.i.p.), who passed away at the age of 98, looked younger than him. i can't really blame him though, white folks look their age or worse, while asians age very well. in his case, it's the latter.

let's take a look at this informative chart that i've prepared for you boys and girls.

the dude that winked at me from match.com is 35, but according to my chart, he looks about 55, which is very accurate. i'm 25, and according to the chart, i should look around 20 or so. again, right on the money. i love looking so damn youthful, but it's really annoying to still get carded for everything, even the freakin' lottery! but alas, being asian isn't perfect, but pretty close. while we age well, there is one day that we dread more than getting a B in calculas AP, the day we wake up and age 20 years overnight. please refer to age 65 on the asian line on the chart. this day usually occurs some time between the age of 65 - 75. this sucks major ass, but as least we stay looking younger than our age for 60+ years! i'd much rather have that than looking my age or worse my whole life. besides, when i do hit that dreadful day, i'll just have someone push me off the golden gate bridge, where i can rest peacefully with the homo fishies for all of eternity next to the motherland.

song of the day

brand new gym class heroes, featuring the dream. i really like it, very catchy. but the hook sounds EXACTLY like t-pain's "buy you a drink." do i smell a lawsuit?

yosho vs. chinkzilla

whether you hate him or love him, everyone can agree that cakalusa is the most popular asian guy on xangay right now, and has been for the past few years. me and urtoasted (if you remember him, you're OG) used to be at his level a couple years back, but i was going through shit, and i stopped updating for months on end. my popularity has been in the dumps ever since. even though i've gone back to posting fairly regularly, i highly doubt i can ever go back to posting daily. the xanga whore inside of me is never going to return to what it was and i'm ok with that. besides, i was in a different place in my life back then and i have higher priorities now, like my career and masturbating. while many have come and gone, no other asian guy has come close to cakalusa's caliber until recently: yosho and chinkzilla. both defnitely have the potential to be full-fledged xangay whores, but who's got the better package? (pun intended)

round 1: body

of course we gotta start off with the most important thing, their bodies. luckily, both have posted photos of their naked torsos on their blog for our viewing pleasure. while yosho's body is nice (if he were a boy), chinkzilla's is da-a--a-aaaaaaaaaaMmmm! now that's the body of a grownass man. his buffness is just the right level, not too buff with veins popping out everywhere and shit. chinkzilla's body is even hotter than NDM's. NDM, if you disagree, please feel free to email me sexy photos of yourself when you take a short break from staring at yourself in the mirror and i may or may not retract my previous statement.

winner: chinkzilla

round 2: xangay popularity

yosho held a live online chat on his blog the other night, and it seems like all the leading ladies of xangay were bagging on yosho and sucking chinkzilla's e-cock. however, yosho has a hot xangay fuck buddy while chinkzilla has yet to blog about tapping any xangay booty. this is a close one but...

winner: chinkzilla

round 3: personality

since i don't know either of them personally, i'm basing my evaluation of the personalities that they portray on their blog. they are complete polar opposites. yosho's blog screams bad boy, asshole, and reeks of cockiness while chinkzilla's gives off a nice guy, romantic at heart vibe (awwwww). yosho said it best in one of his pulses, "I think I'm an asshole on the outside, and then nice on the inside, and then an even bigger asshole deeper in." sorry yosho, since nice guys always finish last, i want to make an exception this time.

winner: chinkzilla

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the infamous two day rule

not long ago, the two day rule was a secret insider dating tip that only the most elite knew about. but thanks to heavy exposure from all outlets of the media, everyone and their mama knows about it now. i believe i first heard about this little rule from an episode of friends. yea, i know, it's sad that i didn't hear about this from friends. back then, i didn't have any friends.

we can all agree that appearing desperate is not a good look for anyone and most of us will agree that it's not a great idea to play games. the question is, where do we draw the line? the two day rule was created to mitigate the desperation issue. but now that everyone knows about the rule, does it even make sense to apply the rule? if someone calls you exactly 2 days later, it seems so cliche. i think it's time for us all to stop playing these little games, and retire the two day rule. it had a good run. but what do i know, i'm single and i've never been in a serious relationship.

do you still use the two day rule? do you get turned off when someone uses the two day rule on you?

song of the day

fuck you black acura legend on the 605 north

i was on the 605 north yesterday afternoon, going home for dinner to celebrate every asian father's favorite holiday, father's day. i decided to hop on the carpool lane since there was a hint of traffic. as soon as i got into the carpool lane, i noticed that i was going slower than the regular lanes. cars on the fast lane were passing me up left and right. at first, i was cussing out the red van in front of me, but then i realized there was another car in front of him, an old, black, acura legend. i was going 60mph on the carpool lane, when there was no traffic in the carpool lane or regular lanes. un-fucking-believable.

before you accuse me of having road rage (because i don't), i would like to present my case. i have absolutely no problem with people who choose to follow the speed limit to the tee, or go below the speed limit for that matter. in fact, more respect and power to them for being over cautious. the slow lane was made for that. what i have a problem with is when people do that in the fast lanes, and even worse the carpool lane. it's not as bad in the fast lanes because at least i can pass their slowasses up whenever i want. but in the carpool lane, i have to wait for the next opening, which can be a few miles sometimes and that makes me angry. one slow car can hold up everyone behind him in the carpool lane and that's just downright inconsiderate. as i passed the janky acura, i looked over to give the driver an evil stare and also to see if it was an asian driver. to my surprise, it was not, but she was a woman. yea, that makes sense.

in conclusion, i don't have road rage. i just can't tolerate stupidity.

song of the day

looks like beyonce is going towards a more dance direction with her new cd, which i can appreciate.

wuwujohn, you just got a subscription for love: part II

as i mentioned yesterday, this is what i had on my match.com profile in the about me section:

i'm a pretty chill guy. looking to meet new people. i like funny people. can you make me laugh? i'm feeling lazy right now so i'm just going to write BS just to fill up 200 chars so i can submit. but i'll come back and update soon, i promise. btw, i did add pics but they're still "PENDING".

i knew it was whack and boring. i forced myself to sit down and write a decent one last night and this is what i came up with in 5 minutes:

I'm a pretty chill, laid back kinda guy. I don't get offended or mad easily because I try to find the humor or silver lining in everything. I strongly believe that that is one of the secrets to leading a carefree, happy, drama-free life. What are the others you ask? Well, you're just going to have to message me to find out. I may not be the most butch guy on the block, but I'm definitely straight acting and you should too. Not that there's anything wrong with not being straight acting, it's just my preference.

I'm looking for someone to enjoy life with. Whether it be watching the latest Ben Stiller flick, sharing a green tea Pinkberry with mochi & strawberries, or spending a relaxing weekend in Vegas, I'm pretty sure those activities are much more enjoyable when done with a significant other. I've pretended to be happy to be single for too long, and it's about time I did something about it. Yea, I would probably be fine being single for the rest of my life, but i don't just want to be fine, I want to be happy.

it's a improvement for sure, but will it get me laid by this sunday? jk. i'm open to your suggestions and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. don't worry about hurting my feelings or sugarcoating anything because i'm a manly man and i can handle the truth. does it sound too homo? too serious? too desperate? if you read that, would you want to date me? message me at least? i need your help guys! my love life is on the line here. let's find wuwu a boyfriend. just imagine how much more interesting my blog will be if i weren't single.

EDIT: yosho, one of the hottest guys on xanga right now, if not the hottest, was nice enough to re-write my profile for me. even though i need to crank the cockiness down a notch, it's way better than mine.

song of the day

i kissed a girl...and i liked it.

wuwujohn, you just got a subscription for love: part I

that's right, i took the plunge. i joined a paid dating website. wuwu is ready for love.

about 2 weeks ago, my friend mentioned to me that one of our mutual friends had joined and she had 4 dates lined up that week, 2 on sunday. since she had such a great experience, i thought i would give it a try. all my close friends are either in a serious relationship or at least dating someone, it's about time i met someone. i'm tired of being the 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th.... wheel. since i rarely hang out w/ gay people, or go to gay bars/clubs, it's not very easy for me to meet someone. i haven't dated much, and all the people that i have dated in the past, i met online. i figured it would be easier on a dating website, since everyone on there is obviously looking for someone. since eharmony only caters to the str8 crowd, my only option was match.com. their subscription wasn't bad, $20/month if you join for half a year. also, they have a guarantee. if you don't find someone within those 6 months, they'll give you another 6 months granted that you message at least 5 people a month, which is very doable.

when i joined, i briefly used the search to see what kind of people are on there. the pickings were pretty slim, but i wasn't expecting much. i saw one guy that had potential, but i didn't want to message him till i was all done with my profile. right after i viewed his profile, i found out that match.com has this feature where you can see who has viewed your profile. fuck. now he's going to see my unfinished profile and everything will be ruined!

i need to come up w/ a profile that's both funny and witty, but i'm having a hard time doing that. it's too much pressure. this is what i have so far:

i'm a pretty chill guy. looking to meet new people. i like funny people. can you make me laugh? i'm feeling lazy right now so i'm just going to write BS just to fill up 200 chars so i can submit. but i'll come back and update soon, i promise. btw, i did add pics but they're still "PENDING".

wish me luck.

song of the day

i can't stop listening to this song.

making a big deposit at the sperm bank

in my effort to generate multiple streams of income, i've taken up the sperm bank as another side job. it was either that or selling blood, and frankly, selling my sperm is much more enjoyable. in addition, the sight of sperm doesn't make me feel woozy like blood. besides, i have such awesome genes. it would be a crime to not spread my thick eyebrows, big nose, and apparently big DSL genes to as many people as possible.

when i arrived at the sperm bank, i was a bit nervous since it was my first time. it felt like my first time having sex. well, technically, it was my first time having sex (with my hands)...at a sperm bank. the murse handed me a cup and a few porno mags. i briefly glimpsed at the pornos and saw that they were all str8 porn.

"do you happen to have any gay porn?", i asked with a big gay ol' smile.

"no, sorry man. we have a pretty limited budget for porns." he replied.

hmmm....looks like this wasn't going to be as easy as i thought. i went into my private masturbation room with the stacks of str8 porn. i perused the first one and noticed that a lot of the pages were stuck together. i wonder why they were like that. does anyone have any ideas? since the mags weren't really turning me on, i decided to just think "happy thoughts." in under 5 minutes, i was done. $25 for 5 minutes of work, not too shabby. too bad they limit you to making deposits once a month or i could totally be a millionaire by the age of 30.

my worst fear

my worst fear is being in a bad car accident while having diarrhea. i will be so scared or injured from the car accident that i'll accidentally soil myself. then when the ambulance comes, everyone is going to see and smell all the nasty diarrhea in my pants. how embarrassing for me and them.

ok, maybe that's not my worst fear. while most people's worst fear is death (rightly so), it is not mine. my worst fear is actually getting old. i'm not too worried about it now since i'm only 25 (turning 26 this october), but i can totally see myself freaking out when i turn 50 or so. yea, i know a lot of people freak out when they turn 40 aka over the hill, but i think i'll be fine with that. besides, 40 is the new 30. i'm deathly afraid of being so old and helpless. my body will be falling apart and nothing is going to work anymore. i seriously would rather die than have someone taking care of me like a baby, feeding me and changing my granny diapers. so on my 50th bday, my birthday wish is to have someone push me over the golden gate bridge. thanks in advance.

p.s. i'm not going to ask "what is your biggest fear?" to try to illicit more comments.

EDIT: today, i spent $7k on repaying student loans. it hurts. since the interest rate for my student loan is 7%, i decided to pay it off as soon as possible instead of repaying it in the full 10 years. the good news, only $3k left to go before i'm free of loans/debts. well, that is until i get a new car and house.

song of the day

do you know any dumb dumb dumbs? i do.