March 24, 2009

  • Work Restroom Horror Story

    This JUST happened. I'm scarred for life.

    I had just gotten back from eating a big lunch not too long ago when I felt a super strong urge to poop. I HATE pooping at work, and will avoid it at all costs. But today, I couldn't hold it for another 4 hours. I had to poop now, or risk soiling myself. I did a little prayer before I headed to the bathroom, hoping that by some one in a million chance, I would have the restroom all to myself. I can poop with the quickness, so I just needed 30 seconds or so and I would be done.

    When I got in, there was a guy peeing in the urinal so I surreptitiously went into the first stall I saw before he had a chance to see my identity. I was so quick and quiet, I bet he didn't even know anyone entered a stall. Well, that was until I accidentally slammed the stall door. Oops. A man that has a desperate urge to poop can sometimes be clumsy. I was going to wait until the peeing co-worker left, so I would have the restroom all to my lonesome before I engaged myself in poop mode, but then I realized something...something I once had a nightmare about...something I dreaded more than watching an explicit sex scene with my parents. We have three stalls, and I was sandwiched in between two people pooping. THIS IS THE WORSE CASE SCENARIO. Well, next to pooping in between two people and realizing you're out of toilet paper. When the peeing coworker left, there was dead silence. You could hear an ant fart. Shit, what am I going to do now? I can't poop in dead silence in between two guys who are within 2 feet of me!

    Luckily, after a minute of super awkward silence (a minute that felt like decades), another person entered the restroom to pee. I decided that the only way out of this situation was to be like gmail and sync my pooping with the sound of his flush. I prepared myself to push as soon as I heard the sound of his pee stream go from a roar to a faint trickle. The second the flush started, I unleashed my shitomic bomb. Mission impossible accomplished. It felt so good. I felt like Michael Phelps, after winning the 8th Gold Medal. I waited till he left, then quickly washed my hands and left. One of the written rules of bathroom conduct is "Do not make eye contact with people that you've pooped with." That would just increase the awkwardness exponentially.

    I'm never ever pooping in the work restroom again. I don't care if soil myself. It's much better than the super awkward moment I just endured.

Comments (42)

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment