Punishable by Death

I was enjoying myself the other night, masturbating to some good ol' American gay porn, when I see a moving shadow from the corner of my eye. I look to my left and see a giant daddy long leg crawling across my wall. I'm not afraid of spiders, nor do I hate them, but I don't like the idea of one living in my bedroom. At first, I was just going to ignore him, but then I got creeped out because he was totally staring at my cock. That perv! His eight beady eyes glued on my chinese sausage. Besides, he who interrupts me during my precious alone time, does not deserve to live. So I took a little break from my hand exercise to dispose of the intruder.

I already had some toilet paper prepared (for my splooge). As I inched closer and closer to him, he went behind my computer and hid under some wires. "You can run, but you can't hide!", I thought to myself. Well, apparently, I was wrong. He can hide, and very well I may add. I spent the next 10 minutes looking for him and could not find him. I was still naked with a humongous boner, down on all fours looking for a damn spider.

I decided to dim the lights, to trick him into thinking it's safe to come out. While I waited for him, I decided to resume my previous activity. No use waiting and wasting time doing nothing. A minute turns into five, then fifteen, and still no sign of the spider. Where the fuck did he go? Did he teleport out of my room? At this point, I didn't even care about busting a nut anymore, I was more set on finding him and killing him for ruining my night.

Just when I was about to give up and go to bed, he crawls out from god knows where and I see him on the wall. I grabbed the toilet paper and killed him with the quickness. AH HA! Who knew you could get more pleasure from killing a spider than having an orgasm?

When an Earthquake Hits...

...go under a desk or stand under a door frame. NOT! That is so 2008. Now, the first thing to do after an earthquake, or any emergency for that matter, is to update your Facebook/Twitter. Last night, there was a 4.7 earthquake here in Southern California and instantly, my Facebook/Twitter was flooded with "AHHH!! EARTHQUAKE!", "OMG EARTHQUAKE!", or some variant of it.

It's crazy how attached we are to social networking. Speaking as a supporter and proponent of the Web 2.0 movement, I don't know why I'm so addicted. I've always been interested in reading people's statues. Even before FB/Twitter, I would always check the away messages and profiles of my AIM buddies. Maybe I'm just that nosey? Or maybe I'm just that bored all the time? Who knows. I know I'm not the only one, seeing how popular social networking is nowadays. You can really gauge how widespread a technology is people in their late 50's (like my dad), who is not very tech savvy, has a FB.

Some people say this overuse of technology and social networking has caused people to be less social and impersonal. I strongly disagree. They are nothing more but another tool for us to socialize. There will always be newer technologies coming out that facilitates and revolutionizes the way we interact and socialize...from the telegraph, to snail mail, to the cell phone, to social networking, it'll never stop. And frankly, I'm more than excited to see what the next thing is.

P.S. I'm disappointed in myself for not being the first person to update about the earthquake on my FB/Twitter list. Three people beat me to it. I must be quicker next time.

P.S.S. I'm not a loser that's on FB/Twitter 24/7 waiting for a earthquake to hit so I can update about it. I just happened to be on my computer and on FB when the earthquake hit. What are the odds!?

Vienna Sausage Part II

Here's some juicy xangay gossip. Which popular male xangan has a vienna sausage?

Hint: I won't be scandalous and reveal his identity but here's a little hint. His name starts with a Y, theres a S in the middle, and ends with an O. He also dislikes people of the fat variety.

This is not a rumor. It is a fact. I have photographic evidence which I've managed to obtain by hacking into his Blackberry. Don't worry, this is very safe for work. It's so small, you can't really see it.

P.S. If theologianscafe can write a 20 part entry about a slug, I too, can do the same with vienna sausages.

Vienna Sausage

I absolutely LOVE hearing funny sex stories. I've written a few stories in the past before, but I got a new one for you guys.

One of my friends had a booty call with this guy we've dubbed VS (vienna sausage). He told her that a previous girl called his penis a vienna sausage because it was small. Yes, yes, I know. Why would she have a booty call with someone who told her that he has a small penis? Hey, sometimes when you're that sexually frustrated, you'll settle for any type of weiner. We've all been there.

After a few drinks, the clothes started coming off. They start boning and during mid-boning, VS, like the casanova that he is, whispers into her ear "So...Do I have a vienna sausage?" HAHAHA! Wow, VS is quite a character. Who asks their partner during mid-sex if they have a small penis? What a smooth operator. I think having a small penis is the least of his worries. My friend tried really hard not to laugh, maintained her composure and replied "No." She didn't want to ruin the mood any more, since he did have a vienna sausage and she couldn't even feel if it was in already. She actually thinks that the previous girl was wrong, and that it was more like a cocktail weiner.

Guys...do not ask a girl if she thinks you have a small penis. You already know if you have a small penis or not, you don't need to ask. And if you must ask, please refrain from asking during the middle of having sex.

I Adopted a Chinese Kid

Wow, I can't believe I haven't updated for a month. Time just flies by when nothing exciting is going on in your life. In this past month, there are only two things worth mentioning.

I adopted a daughter last week. I really didn't plan it, it was purely an impulsive decision. I was printing out some documents at work, when I noticed there was a photo of a cute little girl sitting on the tray. I grabbed my stuff (that sounds naughty hehe), and went back to work. At the end of the day, I went to check on her, and she was still there, sitting all by her lonesome. Someone at work printed her out, abandoned her and never picked her up. What a cruel cruel world we live in. I decided to follow in the steps of such divas like Angelina and Madonna, and adopt an international kid. Now's she hanging happily in my cubicle, and I'm a proud father. Some people even say we look alike. And by some people, I mean white people.

The second thing worth mentioning is...I got a number through Youtube. I get lots of random guys hitting on me on Youtube. Unfortunately they're either old, white, fat or some combo of the three. They usually don't leave their number though, but someone did. And apparently, he's not fat or old (so his brother says). Hmmmm....to call or not to call? I just hope his brother is not a fob.