March 2, 2009

  • Shitty Contact

    Shitty Contact: FML^2

    When I got back from my East Coast tour, I had to take a mega-shit. I've been eating non-stop during the whole trip, and I think I only pooped twice in the duration of the 7 days. It's not that I didn't want to poop, but when I go on vacations, so does my colon. I just don't feel the urge to go as often as I do when I'm at home. I got back around 3:30AM early Friday morning, and I ran to the bathroom as soon as I stepped inside my house. I plopped my bony ass down on the toilet and started working my magic. I lost count of how many times I pushed, but I'm pretty sure I filled my toilet up to the rim. The 5 lbs I gained during the trip just instantly went down the pooper, literally. I chilled for a bit on the toilet, to relax from all the exhaustive work I just did. My eyes were a bit dry from the 7 hour fly. What's a guy to do? Of course the first thing I do is to rub my eye. BAAAAAAAADD idea.

    As I rubbed my left eye, I heard a small *clink* and realized that my contact came off. Then it suddenly hit me, like a speeding bullet train. My contact could be in one of three places: a) on my jacket b) on the floor and c) in the toilet, with my huge pile of shit.

    While it would make for a good FML, please don't let it be C. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE! I looked at my jacket. Nope, not there. I looked around on the ground. Nope, not there either. Then I looked in the toilet. And of course, there is my left contact, chillin' like a villain on top of my huge pile of shit. I was about to let out a huge banshee scream, but opted to pull my pubes out instead. What can I say, I'm a considerate neighbor.

    Then comes my dilemma: to retrieve or not to retrieve?

    I had to think fast. I must've processed a hundred thoughts within those first seconds of realizing my contact is sitting on poop, my own poop. A part of me wanted to just flush it. But the Chinese part of me wouldn't let me. I wear hard contacts, and those are about $150 for each lens. Also, does the 5 second rule that people use on food apply here too?

    After careful consideration, I decided to retrieve. I can't flush $150 down the toilet just because it touched shit. Besides, it's my own shit. I put on a latex glove, and grabbed the lens. Luckily, there were no hershey stains on my lens. I soaked and washed the lens in hot water and proceeded to rinse it with the contact lens cleaner for a few minutes. I let it soak in the solution for the whole day and wore my glasses to work instead. When I got home, I did another round of rinsing and soaking. I didn't wear my contact again till Saturday morning, and my eyes are fine so far.

    As I'm sitting here typing this entry, I'm wearing a contact lens that has touched poop. I wish to God that this story was made up, but unfortunately, it's a 100% true story.

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