Bumblebees DO Sting

When I was a wee little lad, catching and keeping creepy crawlers was a favorite past time of mine. Spiders, grasshoppers, beetles, praying mantids, earwigs...you name it, i've kept it. I loved staying over at my cousin's house during the summer because they had a huge backyard, and huge backyards meant lots and lots of bugs. One day, during one of my insects excursions, my uncle said to me...

"Do you see those big bees over there by the melon flowers?"
"Yea, what about them?"
"Those are called bumblebees, and they don't sting."

I thought to myself, "Hmmm...if they don't sting, technically, I can just catch them with my bare hands." What a brilliant idea! So I marched over to the melon flowers in excitement of catching a big, furry bee with my bare hands. I grabbed the first bumblebee I saw by the wings and guess what...it stung me.

Boy did that wipe the giant smile off my face quickly. I was at shock at first. My mind couldn't comprehend what just happened. As the pain sank in, I let out a deathly scream that shattered the windows. My cousins ran over to see what the commotion was. I told them what happened and they carried me inside. The pain was excruciating. I started turning pale and my cousins were THIS close to calling the ambulance. But as quickly as the pain came, it went away and the blood rushed back to my face.

To this day, I still don't know if my uncle was just misinformed or if I got punk'd by my uncle.

Evolution at It's Best: The Asian Squat

I spent the first 6 years of my life in China. This meant that picking my nose in public, eating dogs for breakfast, and squatting to poop on a hole in the ground were all part of my daily life as a chinaman. When I migrated to the US in 1989, it was absolute culture shock. People would stare at me with a dirty look when I picked my nose and people actually kept dogs as pets. I felt like I was on another planet. So those two habits disappeared with the quickness. However, the third one was harder to give up. Even though I had access to toilets now, I would still squat on top of the toilet to poop. When my grandma caught me doing this, she yelled at me. She said that when I squat to poop, the splash would get the toilet all wet and dirty. From then on, I would poop only when my grandma wasn't home. I refused to sit down to poop!

One day, I had to poop really bad and my grandma was home. I tried my best to hold it in, but I felt the turtle head emerging so I quickly ran to the bathroom. My ninja of a grandma followed me because she suspected I was still squatting. While in mid-poop, my grandma opens the bathroom door and screams "AH HA!" She gave me a beating and threatened to make me eat my own shit if I ever squatted again.

Shit, what am I going to do now? I don't want to eat my own shit. That very same night, it happened. I sat down to poop for the first time in my life. I felt a light shining on me and angels singing in the background. Sitting down to poop wasn't as bad as I thought. There were two things I didn't like though: the coldness of the toilet seat against my buttocks and the feeling that my buttchecks were too close together. When you squat, your buttcheeks are spread further apart than when you're sitting. So when I sat down to poop that first time, it almost felt like the shit was wiping against my buttocks as it slid out.

While my squatting days are over, I've still retained the ability to squat like a pro. Ever wondered why you're able to do the asian squat so well, while other races can't seem to do it? It's the power of evolution my friend. Through many many generations of squatting to poop, us asians have developed special muscles in our legs that enable us to squat, knees up, feet flat on the ground. Even though those born in America have never had to squat, those asian squatting genes have yet to dissappear from the gene pool.

Look how pathethic they look, squatting on their tip toes. FAIL!

This is how it should be done. Look at the perfect form. Definitely a 10.

sometimes, i hate on people because subconsciously, i see a part of myself that i hate in them. but most of the time, it's because they're fucking idiots.

EDIT: Obama's Loss Traced To wuwu

i'm flamin'

ghost ride the .....?

my co-workers...

no homo

lately, i've been seeing a lot of people use the phrase "no homo." what does it mean, you ask? well, basically, it's a get of jail free card for str8 guys to say the gayest thing possible without compromising their heterosexuality. it's like kinda the wave people do, when they cut someone off. it automatically makes it ok.

gay:
"hey man, you're looking cute today. *awkward silence* NO HOMO!"

gayer:
"yo, you been working out man? i'm getting a boner from looking at your muscular calves and washboard abs. NO HOMO!"

clay aiken gay:
"i want to do you in the butt and have you scream my name, while eating a banana. NO HOMO!"

i know that str8 guys who are secure with their sexuality like to joke around like that, but when was it necessary to say "no homo"? is there something you're trying to hide? something you're insecure of? cause honestly, saying "no homo" is about as homo as you can get. if you need this phrase to confirm your sexuality, you're homo.

just say no to "no homo."

tale of a first grade nothing

this entry is dedicated to "tales of a fourth grade nothing," one of my favorite childhood stories. my 4th grade teacher used to read us a chapter once a week. i miss those days dearly.

when i first migrated to the US, i stayed with my aunt in irvine (the OC) for a couple of months while my parents got settled in to find jobs. then i moved back to chinatown and started the second half of 1st grade at castelar elementary. i had mrs. wong, a nice chinese lady with a medium length perm. i remember a very embarassing incident that happened that year.

it was story time, but me and another student volunteered to help with some stapling. so while all the other kids were gathered around the rug, listening to mrs. wong read a book out loud, me and the other kid was working. i remembered having to go pee really really bad. but for some reason that i can't recall anymore, i decided to hold it in. the only plausible reason i can think of for not asking to go to the bathroom is because i didn't want to interrupt everyone's storytime. but i was 6, so who knows what i was thinking? i held it in for as long as i humanly could, and then i just went, right then and there in the classroom. it felt so good to finally release it. when you're 6, your bladder control isn't as good as it is now. i think most of it got absorbed by my sweatpants, but some did leak onto the ground. like a ninja, i quickly got some paper towels to wipe the ground. while none of the other kids noticed, i remember mrs. wong looking at me suspiciously when i was wiping the ground. i guess my ninja powers weren't as potent as hers. i prayed to god that she wouldn't call me out. i'm pretty sure she put the pieces together.

after i was done with the stapling, i joined the rest of the kids for storytime. my pants were still soaked from the pee, so i sat with my legs bent but spread apart to provide ventilation. i was happily enjoying the story and feeling good for not getting caught when all of a sudden some kid screams something and everyone starts staring at me and laughing. i was thinking to myself, "shit, they saw my wet pants." but as i looked down at my pants, i saw that they weren't laughing at my moist pants. there was a giant hole in my pants, right on the crotch area and i went commando that day. triple fail.

at least i still got away with peeing in the classroom...i think.

the ultimate optimist/pessimist test

i didn't win the $41 million jackpot on saturday, but i did win $2. oh well, that's still better than investing in stocks right now. i looked at the results to see if anyone had won. luckily, no one did, so the jackpot is up to $45 mil now. i still have a chance. i was looking at the breakdowns of how much you win, and if you get 4 numbers + mega, you only get $2,204. just one fuckin' number and you get THAT much less.

if that happened to you, would you be happy you won $2,204 or be bitter for life that you were only 1 number shy of $41 million?

t-pain vs. his vocoder

don't bite the hand that feeds you t-pain (in the ass).

$41 milllion: the best bday present of all

so...i turned 26 today.

26 is one of the worse ages to turn, just like 40, 41, 42, 43... till death, because you can do everything at age 25 already. the perks get smaller and smaller as you age, and after 25, there are no more perks. you're pretty much just getting one year closer to death. i think this is the 5th bday entry i've written here on xanga? god, i've been on here for so long. while being an old geeser makes me sad, i do have a way to make myself feel better. i subscribe to even older geesers on xanga (reality_vs_ideality, chinkzilla, ndm, maximman, deux02, franksabunch). did you guys think i subscribed because i actually enjoyed reading your xangas? -= P

anyway, enough with the self pity. i'm actually not that sad, because i'm going to win the $41 million super lotto jackpot tomorrow. i'm positive that i will win because it's my bday and i had a dream a few months ago that i won. i saw a documentation on the E! channel about lottery winners, and this guy had a dream that he would win, and he did a few months later. to ensure that i would win, i bought a little more than my usual $5 worth,* ten times more to be exact.

here is what i will do with my jackpot: 1. purchase wentworth miller and kwon sang woo. you know, like buying friends as pets on facebook. but they won't be my pets, more like sex slaves. however, i'm not opposed to the idea of keeping them in cages once in awhile. 2. travel the world, visit as many countries as i humanly can and photograph it all. i would love to visit Europe, Japan, Thailand, Vietnam, Africa, Iguazu Falls and the Philippines first. 3. open a fabulous photography studio with all my photographer friends. it'll have all the nicest and newest camera gear and we can just have fun. it doesn't even matter if we make any money or not. 4. buy my dog, joey, a condo. get him a few bitches to keep him company, and reverse the neutering (if that's possible). also, keep a sample of his DNA in case i can clone him in the future. 5. hire a personal chef that will follow me everywhere and can make me green tea creme brulee whenever and where ever i wish. 6. and i guess i should donate some to charity too.

photo courtesy of radjbo, wentworth and kwon dream bubbles, courtesy of me. look at how big my feet are! and no, it's not lens distortion.

oh yea, my escrow closed today too, on my bday. how awesome is that! you are now looking at a homeowner. i'll show you guys pics real soon.

* ok, i may have exaggerated a little to make myself look like a ballah. i didn't really buy $51 worth alone. i'm in a lotto pool with 4 other co-workers.

wuwu & becca's day of fun

becca is one of my old neighbors from waaaaaaaaay back when i was 4th grade. she moved away the year after, and i haven't seen her in over a decade. a few years ago, i started seeing her pop up in a lot of my friend's pics. i still recognized her. sometimes i have a photographic memory. it turns out we had a lot of mutual friends. then somehow, probably through myspace or facebook, we got back in touch.

"you used to bully me! along with the other neighbor kids."

*thinking to myself* damn, i did used to bully her. of course, denial is the solution to everything.

"what? no way. i was nice to you! it was the other kids that were mean to you! in fact, i even stood up for you."

"oh...sorry. i must've remembered wrong."

"it's ok, i forgive you. let's catch up!"

and just like that, we became friends again. god bless the internet, reuniting bullies with their victims since 1998. so a few months ago, ok, more like half a year ago (yes, i've been known to lag on posting photos once in a blue moon), we met up to hang out for the whole day, starting from like 10am to 1am the next day. it was a long, but very fun filled day. we started off with a little photoshoot. thanks for being such a fabulous model.

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it's hard to insult a gay guy

EDIT: XXVL has suggested that i make my BJ tutorial a video. that's a awesome idea. who wants to volunteer their penis for education?

if you're a guy, most of the common insults for your guy friends would be to question their sexuality or something to do with your cock. now imagine if you were trying to insult a gay guy friend...

"you're gay/homo!"
"why yes i am."

"suck my dick!"
"sure, when and where?"

the top two insults in your arsenal have just been rendered useless. now what do you do? have no fear, i have a list of insults that will do the trick.

1. accuse him of being straight - it's the same as calling a straight person gay
2. criticize his BJ skills - gays pride themselves in giving good head (btw, i've had several requests for me to write a BJ tutorial. i will post it one of these days. it will deftinitely blow any tutorial written by a female away).
3. comment on his lack of style - have you ever met a non-stylish homo?

if all else fails, just grab him and give him a big, wet, juicy kiss with lots of tongue. some under the pants action won't hurt either.